Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.