Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Catering service
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime