Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Lmao the reply
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Thanks to a fan for this one.
