Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might give this a try 😏

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Rt to bother an English speaker

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

Matthew was born for this.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.