Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

fixed it

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark