BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
i hate you platonically
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture