Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Managing expectations

Britain be like

I hydrated. Surrender now.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.