Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

WTF

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.