Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

yeah no that’s fair

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.