Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

let’s discuss

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

🦝🔥🦝🔥

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.