Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.