BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
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me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Follow me for more life hacks.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”