Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Skip intro

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Welcome to the stomach

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”