Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep