Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

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Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?