BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
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If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
🧠
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.