Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

i- i did not expect this

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Simple

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog