Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
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I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
how many bears make up a bear minimum