Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go![]()
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On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.