Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.