Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
they really wanted me dead for this
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.