Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

SF is the wild wild west man

when there are deer in the woods

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

As per my previous tablet…

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked