Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
me, after any kind of buffet.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup