Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh