Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*