Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

These are too funny not to post 😂

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.