Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.