Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
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Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!