Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

going to bed

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

this article brought to you by lions

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.