Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

The asteroid..

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that