Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what the hell pray for carter everyone

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Very good news from my accountant

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.