Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said