Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
thank god
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
