Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!