Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

🏙👨🏼

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

The morning after pill, but for tweets

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.