Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.