Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
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Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Why soy sad?
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My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
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I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Help Wanted
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We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.