Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
You Might Also Like
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I need to update my racial profile.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.