Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Just in case to be clear #gbbo