BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.