Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Best mom ever 😂
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water