Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

They must have gotten it to go.

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”