Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today