Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

quarantine day 3

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

me

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”