Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

The struggle is real.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.