Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….