There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.