Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

A decision was made here.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.