“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Come back with a warrant
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.