“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.