Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
You Might Also Like
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
ACED my prostate exam!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.