My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Things that don’t exist:
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips