@RedRegenerated

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

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@sarcasticmommy4

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

@Fred_Delicious

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

@mela_shea

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

@zachreinert03

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@TheAlexNevil

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

@matt___nelson

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

@KentWGraham

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

@roggyie

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

@Ma_h_ad

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips