I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then