If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Money is the root of all wealth
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Always…
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.