Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Hot Panini is in big trouble

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

A choir of Spring onions

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.