Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

guilty

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

Grandpa

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.