Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.