Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️