Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

Okay me first

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

How to find Kentucky on a map

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

how to have fun when you’re poor

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.