Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
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me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Optional boss fight.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard