Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Brother?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase