Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Room with a view.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
stand with me against insufficient seating
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.