Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

catch me on valentine’s day like

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.