Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness