Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Just how popey was the pope today?

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”