boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
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Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Still a very good boi….
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Muppet Screams
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Holy crap this is wonderful
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*