Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

scenes of unspeakable carnage

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.