Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

just leave it at the foot of the bed

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”