Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”