Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

“you changed” bro i was 15

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.