Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun