Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are