Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

I dropped my iphone in McDonalds Sprite and that mf started charging

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

those birds must be on payroll

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes