BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
You Might Also Like
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Dune (2021)
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter