Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”