BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Jesus Christ lmao
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
marvel comics have peaked
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.