I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
It finally happened! The flight attendant asked “is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said yes!
Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.
He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?